How to Date When You’re Secretly a Goblin in Disguise

So you want to find true love or whatever. Finding a solid relationship in this day and age is difficult, especially when you’re actually a goblin — not a human person at all. But hope is not lost, my goblin friend. This guide will help you.

Step 1: Assume your human disguise

Make sure it really feels like you. Gender doesn’t matter, certainly be both if that feels right to you. As long as you look basically like a human person, they will believe you’re one of them.

Step 2: Download a dating app on your unnecessarily expensive people phone

Forget how much you paid for the phone, and download whichever app you want — they’re all crap, so it doesn’t matter which — and get swiping. Tinder is the classic choice, but if you want an ill-conceived feminist experience, you might want Bumble. There are so many to choose from.

Step 3: Write a snappy bio and upload some pictures

Do your best to sound as “human” as possible. Goblin interests might not translate well into a human environment. Specific and thoughtful wording is important. Your trouble-making nature might sound better as: “fun-loving and spontaneous.” Change your love of gold and all things shiny to: “loves the finer things in life.”

Smile for your pictures. Perhaps take a few of you doing “normal” human things, such as staring into the distance, holding a freshly caught fish, in front of a vista where you may or may not have traveled.

Step 4: Do some swiping

Don’t ask me why dating has become a game that you play on a phone, that’s just life. At least it means you can potentially meet a wide range of people with so many different things to offer. And it’s easy.

Tip: Some people may be able to sense your true identity and will react badly. Disregard those people because with perseverance you’ll be able to find someone who loves you for you.

Step 5: Find matches and go on dates

Eventually, you’ll find someone who has also swiped right and you’ll be “matched” with that person. The expectation will be for you to meet this person. Pick somewhere public and where you can be comfortable, for everyone’s safety.

Now, this is where you’ll have to try and be as human as possible; at least initially. People will respond better to your true goblin nature if you ease them into it. It’s probably best to not steal their gold jewelry on the first date.

Step 6: Rejection is normal, don’t be discouraged

Not everyone will be able to handle your true goblin nature. That’s okay! It’s their problem not yours. As I mentioned earlier, the right person will come along eventually. Until then, you might need to put up with some rejection. It sucks, but that’s life in the dating world.

Step 7: Find love!

If everything goes well, you’ll find someone who is more or less okay with you secretly being a goblin. You may want to give them back their golden items to show how much you care and try not to get into too much trouble. But I’m sure they won’t mind if they know the truth.


Writer || INFJ || Wellness junkie and chronic oversharer.

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